Well today is the end of our journey. I hope Beth Kempton’s book, Wabi Sabi, has inspired you to consider adding a little Japanese wisdom to your life.
Kempton concludes her book with the following:
“The greatest teaching for me has been the shift in perspective. Looking at the world through the lens of Wabi Sabi has transformed it into a more beautiful, gentle, and forgiving place full of possibility and delight.”
Always keep in mind that, “You are perfectly imperfect, just as you are.”
Perhaps finding beauty in the ordinary, and in ever day life is the greatest lesson Wabi Sabi teaches us.
If we slow down enough in the busyness of life we can take advantage of these moments. Rather than always chasing the next shiny object, breathe in the beauty that surrounds you.
Create daily and seasonal rituals that ground us in the moment. Be open to the surprises that life can bring. Once our neighbor’s dog delighted us with a visit. She brought along her puppies, and I cannot convey to you the sheer joy of the interaction. It was totally unexpected, but so delightful I will cherish that moment forever.
No don’t think that Wabi Sabi discounts the importance of planning for the future. There is definitely room for both. Make your plans, but be open to veering from them. This was a lesson I learned early in my marriage. I had planned an exact route on a road trip when my husband wanted to take an alternate route through the Smokey Mountain National Forest. Now to be honest I was annoyed at his detour, but it wasn’t long before we came across a scenic viewpoint where a black bear was visible below. Of course, I was delighted, and realized that if I had stuck to the original plan we would have missed it.
On the other hand, it was my careful planning that took us to Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson. This ended up being one of our favorite stops along the way to Washington DC.
“The important thing here is not to obsess about perfect planning. You cannot know what is around the corner.”
Kempton reminds us, “A well-lived life is a dance between dreaming and doing.”
Life’s transitions can be difficult at times. Moving from one stage to another presents a set of circumstances we are unfamiliar with, and may add a layer of uninvited stress.
Examples being moving off to college, being newly married, becoming a parent and then an empty nester, and of course retirement.
As I think about it I’ve been faced with all of the above in my own life. I think, for me, perhaps retirement was the biggest challenge. It seemed to take longer to adjust to this new season of my life than any other.
I think giving up my identity of teacher, which I had held for over thirty years, was difficult for me. I learned that no matter what I was doing, though, work either paid or unpaid, still carried value. It’s been fifteen years since I retired, and it has certainly been an adventure as I have taken on many roles along the way.
According to Kempton, “If we are open to the transition, instead of holding on too tight to what has been, we can experience great insight and flow into the next stage, whether or not we feel ready.”
Wabi Sabi keeps us living more mindfully in the present moment , and allows us to navigate the stages of life all the while adding to our arsenal of wisdom. Just remember to be kind to yourself as you move into a new season of life.
Interestingly, reflecting on how long we might live actually has a Wabi Sabi connection. Remember the idea of impermanence and imperfection. Knowing we are not here forever can help us to hone in on what really matters.
In doing so we can prioritize what is actually the most important, and not get caught up in thinking everything is urgent, and needs our full attention. “It can inspire us to make the most of now.”
Our culture seems obsessed with youth. We often look at the aging process with fear and negativity. However, “…everything about Wabi Sabi tells us that it is to be embraced-that we bloom and ripen with time.”
As we age we have the opportunity to deepen our wisdom through our past experiences. This can continue each day of our life as we face new sets of circumstances. There is always something new to learn.
Sadly, we are often blinded to this reality. We waste valuable time clinging to our youth. Many have spent thousands of dollars trying to recapture this fleeting season.
However, Wabi Sabi reminds us that growing old is perfectly natural, and with the right attitude can be enjoyed. Remember we are supposed to grow old.
“Wabi Sabi encourages us to choose the path of serenity and contentment by accepting where we are in the natural cycle of our own life.”
In speaking with a 94 year old woman named, Kanie-San, Kempton asked what lessons could be learned about growing old.
Kanie-san insisted that daily routines were the key. Staying active and honoring the traditions of her culture all contributed to a life well lived. She also followed the custom of hachi-bu- stop eating when you are 80% full.
“We don’t need much to live a good life. When you are grateful for what you do have, and share it with those you love, whatever else you need comes. Don’t waste energy worrying about what you don’t have…pay attention to the good already present in your life,and go your best at whatever you are doing. There is joy in the satisfaction of that.” Kanie-san Age 94
Interestingly, I remember my at the time 96 year old grandmother cautioning me, “To never grow old.” Her independence has been impeded due to her physical limitations.
Perhaps, there is wisdom in both sides of the argument. If longevity is in your genes taking care of your physical health might be something to pay attention to.
Did you know that Japan has the highest life expectancy of any country?
Kempton in her book, Wabi Sabi, reports this to be due to three factors:
A high standard of public health.
A high level of health awareness.
Meaningful and purposeful life activities.
She concludes, “It’s not just about living long. It’s also about living well.”
I can concur with this sentiment. If there is anything I do that might be considered healthy it has more to do with the quality of my life now vs trying to extend my life as long as possible.
If I am able to keep up with my grandsons, live with relatively few aches and pains, and continue to be illness free, then I figure I must be on the right track.
There is a concept in Japan known as ikigai which has to do with waking up each morning with some sort of purpose in your life. I have deemed this season of my retirement as an opportunity to care for my grandsons, and help my daughter where I can.
The three mornings a week that I arise early, and hit the road to my daughter’s house are opportunities for purposeful, meaningful work.
When this season is over I’m sure I will be looking for that next door to open.
Beth Kempton actually loves the word perfect. In fact, she uses it often. However, when she does it’s in regard to a moment. She savors those “perfect” moments in time.
“The tiniest slice of time can hover, shimmering in momentary stillness.”
This reminds me of our hummingbirds- a moment in time, no longer. I eagerly anticipate their return next season, but appreciate more the fleeting of their visits. You must capture the moment to the fullest knowing their presence is impermanent.
It is these moments we must treasure in their simplicity, and guard against not paying enough attention during the moment. If we spend all our time focused on what comes next we truly miss out on the here and now.
It is important to not only open our eyes, but our heart and mind to the beauty that surrounds us. We need to love, “Our perfectly imperfect life.”
Beth Kempton, author of Wabi Sabi, gives us three questions to ask to help reframe a contentious situation.
Before jumping to react, take a breath and think about the following:
“How do I really feel?” This is the moment to look deeper into what might be guiding your feelings.
“What’s going on, and why is the person in front of me saying what they are saying?” This is where we should, as St. Frances says, “Seek to understand.” You might not agree in the end, but you can try to understand another’s perspective.
“What do I want to say and why do I feel the need to say it?” This is such an important one to me. For some reason I feel compelled to let others know what I think, even if they could care less.
Maybe, it’s a way of validating myself as a competent person. However, I have ended some relationships due to this. In the long run I’m not sure stating my mind at the time was the best course of action.
That being said, sometimes you just need to stand up for yourself.
Kempton questions whether we are truly seeking resolution, or is our ego getting in the way. I can’t help but wonder if mine is more ego driven?
Even in our relationships we can utilize a Wabi Sabi worldview. We can see the world through a new and better lense.
“No one is perfect. Our connections deepen when we honor one another’s imperfections.”
Wabi Sabi, as we have learned reminds us of the impermanence and imperfections of life. It also teaches us to value calmness and serenity. In fact, Japan continually ranks as one of the calmest countries.
Remaining in a calm state of mind helps us to be better in our decision making. It allows us to cope with the difficulties that eventually will arise in all lives.
Kempton states calmness, “…is good for mind and body, because it helps us avoid flooding our systems with stress hormones.”
Living in the extremes of emotion for too long can be counterproductive. Of course, there are always moments for excitement, but calm can bring back balance and harmony.
Keeping this in mind we can always choose how we react, or perhaps I should say respond. Sadly, reacting too quickly can escalate interactions. Unfortunately, once something is said it can’t be unsaid. I like the metaphor of not being able to put the toothpaste back into the tube.
By responding calmly we can keep things in check, and open doors for better communication.
The Japanese tea ceremony combines the four principles of Harmony, Respect, Purity, and Tranquility.
Kempton reminds us that these principles can guide us in our relationships with others. When we accept that no one, including ourselves are perfect we can reframe how we see others.
“What difference would it make if you saw others with your heart instead of seeing and judging with your eyes and mind?”
What would happen if you approached others with acceptance, and did not spend time trying to change them? If you don’t find that person to be your cup of tea you could use that information to make decisions about what to do next.
Kempton quotes Ai Matsuyama , “I always try to find at least one good thing in everyone, even people I don’t like.”
Because of confirmation bias we have a tendency to look for evidence to prove our conclusions. Because of this we can let our assumptions get in the way of what might not actually be a fair assessment of someone.
If we can be aware of this it might just make a difference in how we handle others. Of course, we still need to be aware of boundaries that may need to be set. Allowing others to mistreat you is not acceptable.
However, there is nothing wrong with looking for the good in people, even if you do not see eye to eye.
Wabi Sabi and creativity incorporates the idea that, “Wabi Sabi is an intuitive response to beauty that reflects the true nature of life.”
As we reflected in prior posts on how fear of failure can prevent us from sharing our true self, it is reasonable to conclude that sharing our creative efforts with the world might make us feel too vulnerable.
Facing things like criticism and rejection might be more than our tender heart can bear. However, creativity is meant to be seen and shared with others.
Kempton shares, “The fear of failure is one of the most significant barriers to people doing what they love.”
I have found this to be true with this blog. Many times I’m unsure of how my thoughts might be interpreted. This fear does hold me back.
However, Kempton assures us that it’s not actually the perfection of the creative endeavor, but rather the sharing of the creation itself is what is of real importance.
She encourages us to reframe the act of creativity, and to go ahead and step out and share our pursuits with others. I think about how naturally children share their creativity without a care in the world.
“In the mind of this particular master, there are no mistakes, just interesting creative experiments.”
Have you ever not attempted to learn something new? Kempton encourages us, rather, to have a beginner’s mindset. This is perhaps one of the things I like most about children. Rarely did my second graders deny that they could do something.
This resistance to learning something new is based on a fear of failing. Whenever we are learning something for the first time, making mistakes and getting things wrong are to be expected.
It’s sad to think that many people have stuck with a life they didn’t love only because it was familiar. However, if you consider the idea of “failing forward” you might see the benefits of taking a chance on something new or different.
In fact, these failures might just open the door to the “next chapter” in your life. Kempton reminds us that this will only happen, “…if you accept the imperfection, show yourself compassion, and choose to move forward.”
Wabi Sabi doesn’t discourage competition. Competition allows us to get better, and challenges us to put in the work needed to build expertise.
I’ve never been one to enjoy competition, and often times have shied away from anything involving a winner and a loser. I have convinced myself that not being competitive with others is okay since I challenge myself to improve.
But if the truth be known, I’m sure it is the anticipation of failure that has held me back. Even as I’m writing this series, I’m holding back by not sharing it with others.
Kempton points out that, “Our risk of failure is a product of the size of the stage we put ourselves on.”
By limiting that stage size we can reduce the amount of failure we experience. To be completely honest, it’s really hard for me to think of times I have failed. Perhaps, relationships have been my Achilles heel, and my failures have had more to do with people vs tasks.
I have learned over the years not to put myself out there for public scrutiny. Rejection can really sting. If your stage is small you probable are going to come out ahead. Except, “The growth opportunity is in the stretching.” In other words learning to expand our comfort zone allows us to, as author Gretchen Rubin says, “Live the bigger life.”
When we approach failure in the eyes of Wabi Sabi, we can stop striving for perfection. We may not like failure, but we certainly can learn from it.
What we do know is that nothing in this world is permanent. Even that disgruntled feeling of not meeting the mark will soon fade away.
Remember each day provides a new opportunity, a new beginning, and a new perspective to how we approach life.
The people of Japan do not like failure any more than most people. It’s not a matter of learning to “like” failing.
Rather it’s learning to reframe failure as a way to learn and move on. Of course, as we enter any task we don’t hope to fail, but in reality we know that it can happen.
Often times it is our failures that strengthens our resolve, and help us to grow as a person. In order to view failure in a new light we also have to re-examine success.
We can’t pin all our hopes on one outcome, and end up in a tailspin if it doesn’t materialize. There are so many factors out of our control that it is unfair and unrealistic to think that we can always predict the outcomes.
Sadly, we convince ourselves that we can only be happy if a certain thing happens. Kempton reminds us, “We don’t have to like failure to learn from it.” Fortunately, this uncomfortable feeling won’t last forever, as nothing is permanent.
Remember that each day is a new day. Opportunities abound if you are open to them. Sometimes the best thing is to do is set a new path or direction. In other words, dust yourself off and continue moving forward.
“Hope is not the same as expectations.” Kempton guides us to the understanding that although, you can plan for a specific future, you cannot actually control what the future may bring.
I remember in my twenties having a very certain plan for my life. As the years went by I seemed to have very little control over the outcome of that plan. I wasted a lot of valuable time not truly living in the present moment waiting for that plan to arrive.
As often is the case my plan did come to fruition, except it was on God’s timeline and not on my own. Kempton encourages us to, “Release your attachment to the timeline and then come back to being present in your life right now.”
She offers a challenge to look for the things in your life to be grateful for right now, and to let go of any expectations of the future that might be keeping you stuck in negative thought patterns.
“Open your mind and heart to whatever might unfold.” By remaining open to the possible we can receive the miracles that are all around us.
In her book Wabi Sabi, Beth Kempton tells the story of a ninety-four year old woman named Mineyo Kanie.
Kanie shares the secret to a happy life:
“The root of all unhappiness is not being content with what you have and spending too much time looking outside your life instead of spending time inside it.”
I especially rember when I was younger always looking toward some future event or purchase as a route to happiness. As I’ve gotten older there really are very few material pleasures or experiences that I think I must have in order to be content.
I take comfort in enjoying the simplest of what life has to offer, and find that it brings me both contentment and happiness.
It’s not perfect, but it is enough.
Beth Kempton reminds us that, “Discomfort is growth.” Unfortunately, it seems that in our modern day culture we are trained to seek comfort. We go out of our way not to be uncomfortable. Think about the opportunities for growth that are missed in doing so.
Wabi Sabi helps to teach perspective as to what is really important. Should we be spending our valuable time and resources on things that don’t actually nourish us? Or should we be letting go of limiting beliefs, and things that in the long run don’t really matter.
Are we making mountains out of molehills?
Kempton says, “To be alive is to evolve. “ We need to understand that there are times when we need to surrender to a difficulty knowing that it will not last forever. This does not mean giving up completely. Rather, it has to do with putting our energies into actions that will move us forward.
Wallowing in our misfortune can result in just spinning our wheels. Life is hard sometimes, but learn from those hard times, and move forward.
As much as we strive for perfection, we aren’t actually supposed to be without imperfections.
“What if we were to agree that our ideal state is actually perfect imperfection…” The Japanese have a practice called kintsugi, where they embellish the cracks found in pottery with gold. The result is an even more beautiful creation.
Rather than throwing something away because of its flaws they make it even more valuable. How much time do we waste worrying about an imperfection in our physical appearance? There is nothing wrong with wanting to look your best, but worrying about things you have no real control over is a waste of time.
Whatever your “natural most authentic state” is how you should approach the world. This version of you allows for your inner beauty to shine. This is the state that you should aspire for.
Remember we are all works in progress. Instead of wasting energy striving for perfection, take that energy and use it to live fully in the now.
Kempton states, “Revealing our vulnerabilities opens a window into our hearts where people can see who we really are and they are drawn to connect.”
We all have common experiences that we can share with others. Whether we laugh or cry we realize that we are connected at the human level. Through sharing our struggles we can learn from each other.
Perhaps this is why social media influencers are so popular today. When we relate to someone else it helps us not feel so isolated or alone. “Of course you feel that way!” becomes a reassuring mantra that we share with others.
We realize that no one has all the answers, and that we are all imperfect in our own ways. “…the sooner we realize this the sooner we can start honoring ourselves and one another for the imperfect treasures that we are…”
Have you ever wondered how you might use perfectionism as an excuse not to embrace life. Have you been guilty of making “the perfect the enemy of the good?”
Wabi Sabi uses the lessons of nature to help us better understand imperfection. Kempton reminds us, “If everything is always changing, nothing can ever be absolutely complete.”
Nothing will ever be perfect because perfection demands completeness. We have a tendency to hang on to our failings, our imperfections, hoping that somehow we can aspire to be more perfect. This state has become our ideal.
We must let go of this unavailable expectation of perfection. We have to stop looking at perfection and imperfection as opposite sides of a coin. Rather accept the inevitability of our imperfections as, “Imperfection is a snapshot of our journeys of growth and living at a particular moment in time.”
We need to become comfortable with not knowing all the answers. We have to be okay with realizing that we can’t be all things to all people. Of course, this doesn’t mean we have no goals or ambitions. It has more to do with gaining clarity about what is really important to us, and choosing to put our efforts into those areas regardless of other’s opinions.
As Wabi Sabi teaches us about the impermanence of life it also reminds us that suffering is included in these imperfections. This is something we don’t like to hear. As much as we may try to avoid or resist suffering there are times when doing so can actually make things worse.
“Acceptance is about surrendering to the truth of what is happening and then playing an active role in deciding what happens next.”
Sometimes you have to allow yourself time to rest and recover. When I badly sprained my ankle a few years ago I had to accept the fact that it would take months to fully recover. Initially I gave myself time to stay off my ankle before slowly attempting to walk again.
I remember pushing the cart at the grocery store recalling how easily it was to walk before my accident. Part of the suffering included the pain associated with the injury, but also the restrictions it imposed on my independence.
I learned to ask for help when needed, and kept a mindset to continue on a little more each day. It also taught me to appreciate the things we often take for granted knowing how quickly they can change.
