Defensive

Defensive. 

Have you ever been accused of being defensive? And if you have did you consider it a bad thing? As one who has had this trait brought to my attention more than once I began to wonder two things. 

First, is it necessarily a bad thing, albeit somewhat annoying I know, and second, do I really have much control over it? Is it simply a bad habit stemming from long ago insecurities or is it more of an instinct? Kind of like running away from a lion?

As I reflected on my tendency to feel the need to defend my actions or maybe I should say my mistakes, it occurred to me that at this point in my life it really had little to do with insecurities. In my sixth decade of life I can honestly claim that I feel pretty darn comfortable with the person I am. What a blessing to acknowledge considering the angst I have gone through at different times in my life when this wasn't the case.  

No, today my defensiveness I think has more to do with my wanting to do and get things right. I rarely am haphazard about anything, and when things don't quite go as I planned, I know that generally my intentions were in the right place, and I feel the need to stand up for myself.  What I'm finding is that things like my failing eyesight, distractability, and short term memory blips all contribute to a not so perfect execution of what once came so effortlessly. 

Just as it is almost impossible to write with your left hand when you are right handed trying to control my defensive reactions is just as challenging. As I've said before the words just seem to slip out more quickly than I want. However, my defensiveness has become a default button for me, and I'm not sure I like that.  

I wish I could take even three seconds to think before reacting. Maybe then I would realize that I really don't need to defend my humanness. I've used the tool of crossing my fingers while others are talking to remind me not to interrupt. It's a thought, and might be something I could use in the future when it comes to this dilemma. Everything I do does not need to be defended, and would probably result in a more peaceful state if I chose not to.