Self-Censorship

Self-Censorship. 

To censor means to suppress things that are found to be unacceptable. It seems that there is a big collective censor we call society who deems what is right and what is wrong. 

I'm not so much talking about moral issues as much as I'm talking about norms like fashion, and roles, and expectations. 

I remember in my forties thinking that when I turned fifty I would cut my hair short, as it seemed most women of this age seemed to do so. Ironically, I'm a couple years into my sixties, and my hair is longer than it was then. 

Who was it that decided long hair was not appropriate at a certain age? I think sometimes it's easy to want to censor ourselves when it comes to what we think we are supposed to do. We may really want to do something unconventional, but we hold ourselves back in an effort not to be embarrassed. 

The uncomfortableness of embarrassment helps keep us in check. I remember once asking an embarrassing question in eighth grade at Sunday School when it came to a certain procedure performed on Jewish baby boys. I'm not really sure who was more embarrassed, me or my teacher. 

After moments like this your self-censoring kicks in to make sure you don't suffer any unnecessary humiliation. Although, self-preservation should be high on the list, when it begins to change and shape you into someone you are not, it has gone too far. 

How many times have you heard someone say in a self-deprecating manner, "I could never do that?" How many times have you sat back tapping your toes when you really wished you were up on the dance floor?

Self-censoring can become a habit that in the long run doesn't allow you to grow as a person. Having to stop and determine if you fit in, or are doing things in an acceptable fashion really isn't the best use of your time. A good dose of common sense can come in handy when contemplating streaking across the fifty yard line, but beyond that most things aren't that critical to stop you from being your true self. 

Coming Up Short

Coming up short. 

It's easy to judge yourself too quickly and to come up short. In an effort to do "the right thing" and bow down to the altar of "should" you will probably find that you are fighting a losing battle. 

No matter how hard you try you will mess up, but you have to give yourself a little grace in this area. I truly believe that most of us have the best of intentions, but it's that pesky human nature that always seems to get in the way. 

Of course, some of us are more sensitive about this than others, and really beat ourselves up when we come up short. I wish I could say that this was something I had conquered in my own life, but old habits die hard. 

I think, though, sometimes just being more aware of it is a first step. So the next time you find yourself not doing something perfectly or falling short in your eyes don't be so quick to condemn yourself. 

We all deserve a little leeway in life, and probably graciously offer it to others on a regular basis. 

Abby

Abby.

I seem to have a love-hate relationship with Abby. The love when she's purring contentedly on my lap, and the hate when she wakes me up at the crack of dawn for breakfast. 

Abby was never intended to be my cat. When Brittany was fifteen and learning how to drive, she and her dad came up with the idea while driving back and forth down the highway. I was minding my own business enjoying a bean burrito at Taco Bueno when I got the call. 

Brittany had never ever actually owned a kitten, as Popcorn the cat of her youth, was full grown when Brittany was born. She had been gone for a while, and to be honest I was not missing the litter box in the least. 

As much as my good sense was telling me not to, I didn't have the heart to tell her no. The next thing I knew I was meeting them at our local SPCA. Now if truth be known, we did not pick Abby, she actually picked us. Or perhaps I should say she picked me.

Upon arriving, and sitting down in a room full of cats, it wasn't long before Abby jumped up in my lap. She remained for a minute or two, and then jumped down to get a bite to eat. Remarkably she jumped right back up into my lap again. By then it was pretty much a done deal. 

Abby returned home with us, and was Brittany's kitten for about a week. The life of a fifteen year old left very little time for a kitten, and Abby and I became inseparable. She reminded me more of a dog than a cat. She came running when called, and loved to roll over and have her tummy rubbed. 

Fast forward fourteen years, and now Abby is the grand dame of the Hughes household. She's kind of like a sour patch kid, Ornery and extremely sweet
 depending on her mood. Last week I had to take her to the vet for a cold she had developed while being boarded. She was better in a day or two, but the reality of her advancing age hit me for the first time. 

I realized that her days really are numbered, and as much as a pain in the neck she might be at times, I was really going to miss her. She's been a part of my life since Brittany was a young teenager, and I've grown quite attached to her. 

Interestingly, one of my friends owns a fourteen year old turtle who still has about thirty years of life left on this earth. That love/hate relationship thing I wrote about earlier in this post, well as much as I love Abby I'm not sure I have thirty more years of early morning wake-up calls in me. 

Book Club

Book Club.

I was finally able to make my way back to book club this past month. The book for the month of October was  Before We Were Yours, by Lisa Wingate, and it was quite good. It was based on the true story of the Tennessee Children's Home Society in Memphis, and the atrocities which spanned over half a century there. The novel was the fictional tale of a young girl and her siblings who were ripped from their parents' arms, and offered to other familes for adoption. 

As we considered books for next year, I recommended a book that I had just finished reading, and volunteered to lead the group discussion in January. The book is The Atomic City Girls, by Janet Beard, and is also based on a true story as well. 

I'm definitely drawn to historical fiction, and find that it gives a window into a time gone past, but in an entertaining way. Atomic City was actually where implementation was done for the A bomb. It popped up over night during World War II, and kept secret its true mission a secret from most involved. 

I'm looking forward to leading the discussion, and have already discovered some good materials online. I'm glad I made the decision to attend the meeting the first time, and am looking forward to being more involved with this group. 

Along with this month's book club meeting the North Richland Hill's Library is hosting a Behind the Book author visit again. They do this a few times a year, and although I'm not familiar with the author of The Library, Susan Orlean, I always find author talks to be both informative, and inspirational. 

Appreciating the hard work, and research involved in the writing of most books is quite interesting, and I'm always up to adding a little more " interest" to my life. 

(Update: I was able to find Susan Orlean's book, The Library, at my local library, and have begun reading it. It's been very interesting, and I hope to have it finished before her visit.)

Our Actions

Our actions. 

With a name like Hawkeye Timber you might be tempted to wonder, but it was something he said that really caught my ear. 

"Our actions define our priorities."

Now mind you I am lying on my bed listening to the rain, and some rolling thunder wondering this very thing. Do my actions define my priorities?

Infact, what exactly are my priorities? Now that I am officially settled in with no move in sight for the next few years, what are my priorities?

In the past years of retirement I have found my place. Either as teacher, or caretaker, or moving specialist. Today, however, those roles are behind me, and I'm not exactly sure what to do next?

My actions are primarily on auto-pilot these days. Grocery shopping on Monday, laundry on Tuesday, Weight Watcher on Thursday all fill my calendar, but I know there is more than this to life.

Just looking for activities to stay busy is not the direction I want to head. I've been there before, and found it lacking. So for now I'm going to concentrate on what exactly are my priorities in an effort to steer my actions in the right direction. 

High Tech Road Trip

High tech road trip. 

Chuck and I returned from a road trip to New England earlier this month. It was a long eleven days, but we really had a great time, and got to visit with both my sister and my ninety-two year old aunt. 

It had been about five years since we had traveled a long distance by car, and we were amazed at how much we relayed on technology this time. 

Although, we hauled along a coffee table-sized Atlas, it remained virtually untouched this time. Plugging our destination into the GPS on our phones made it extremely easy to get around, and to know when we would arrive. Receiving notifications of any traffic problems up ahead also kept us on our toes when it came to driving. 

I had packed quite a few goodies for us to eat, including food for lunch. We have never liked eating every meal out, and decided stopping along the way at rest stops for lunch would be the way to go this time. Did you know that there is an app for that? I downloaded it to my phone, and we stopped several times along the way for a picnic lunch and a bathroom break. 

We also spent many hours listening to XM satellite radio. Between Fox News, Dr. Laura and Dave Ramsey we were in our element. We also listened to some podcasts through a Bluetooth speaker of Chuck's as for some reason my car doesn't want to cooperate when it comes to this sort of thing. 

New to us on this trip were audible books. We listened to a fascinating memoir written about the Cold War called Forty Autumns. It was a great way to break up basic talk radio. As much as I wish I could say we enjoyed listening to music, this is one of the few areas where Chuck and I  don't seem to agree so talk radio works better for us. 

In addition, we relied on the internet to help us choose and locate local eating establishments, we no longer needed to request a wake-up call from the front desk, and my "good" camera was left at home as we chronicled our adventures using our i phone. 

I can't say I really enjoyed a road trip more, except perhaps for our jaunt to Niagra Falls via D.C. early in our marriage. We adjusted quickly to our travels, and Chuck and I got along remarkably well despite the close quarters. I think having food readily available kept either one of us from getting to hangry!

After returning we were excited to start planning the next adventure. 

Tour Bus

Tour bus. 

On our trip to New England earlier this month we were met by a crowd of senior citizens one morning at the complimentary hotel breakfast. We had noticed the tour bus the night before when we pulled in, but had failed to make the connection that they might all be hitting breakfast at the same time. 

Needless to say, there was no place to eat so Chuck and I found ourselves waiting at the elevator to return to our room precariously balancing our plates. As is often my way it wasn't long before I was having a conversation with one of the women about their tour. 

She told me that they had visited the Ark in Kentucky, and the Creation museum in Ohio. To be honest I have been curious about the Ark myself, and had checked out its location to see if it coordinated with our trip. A minute later the elevator door opened, and the woman addressed her pastor, as it was apparent that this was a church group traveling together. 

When we returned back to the room I confided in Chuck, that I didn't have the heart to tell the woman that we had just visited the Jack Daniels Distillery in Lynchburg the day before!