Failure

I was listening to a podcast about the power of consistency which led to the mention of the book The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson. As is often my practice I like to check out the reviews for books, and get a sense about whether I might want to read the book myself. 

Interestingly there seemed to be two directions that the readers took in reviewing the book. Several people did mention that the book was life changing for them. Many people focused on the idea of small steps and consistency, and I would like to address that idea in a future post. 

However one reader, James Rutter, really emphasized the idea of failure, and how it can motivate or deter individuals. For him the following quote by John Burroughs gave him a whole new perspective, and allowed him to make positive changes in his life. 

“A man can fail many times, but he isn’t a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.”

I began to think about my own views about failure, and why it had such a negative connotation in my life? I’ve never liked failing, and have pretty much done everything I can do to avoid it.

 

As I reflected on my childhood most of my failures seemed to revolve around misbehavior. Getting in trouble for disobedience was never a pleasant thing. Whether it was “the look” or a spanking most of the time I tried my best never to get in trouble. Having a younger sister close in age often resulted in sisterly squabbles that ended in punishment. 

When I started school, and began to be graded on my work, failing , or should I say not failing became priority one to me. Most subjects came fairly easily, although math and the metric system were a real challenge. Each time I received a grade I would judge myself to be a worthy or not depending on the grade. 

Over time I began to notice that I rarely attempted things that I was not naturally good at. Things like sports, singing, and drawing all took a back seat so there would be no failure involved. 

Even things I was relatively good at , and liked were limited primarily to what I knew. Venturing out in the culinary world took a lot of reassurance from Rachel Ray that I could handle a large chef’s knife, but even now a bag of frozen shrimp has made its forever home in my freezer because I’m not really sure what to do with it. 

I did not grow up in a home that relished failure. Once I heard about a father who every night at the dinner table asked his children what they had failed at that day. This was not done to berate them, but rather a way to process lessons learned, and what the next step might be. 

I wish I didn’t feel so bad when I mess up. I seem to find that happening more and more as I march through my sixties. I find myself worrying about future cognitive decline, and seem to beat myself up for my failures. I have set such a high bar, and have failed to acknowledge the unrealistic expectations I have set for myself. 

Our book reviewer James Rutter had this to say about what he gleaned about failure:

“I have failed many times…MANY times. You learn through failure. It’s a part of life. You show me someone who has never failed and I will show you someone who has never been successful. You reach success by failing. Although I have failed many times I am NOT a failure. I will never be one and therefore I will never blame somebody else for my circumstances.”

The word failure seems so harsh, although in reading it’s actual definition it seemed rather benign. What if we all really are failures just due to our human nature, but it is okay because we are not expected to get it “right” every time. Failing is just a part of life, like breathing and laughing. We all fail, but generally pick ourselves back up, dust off the dirt on our pant legs and either run home crying or get back on that bike and try again. 

I’m not going to be so worried about failure, and when I do fail, because it’s inevitable, I’ll just keep on moving forward using the lessons learned to make things easier or better in the future. 

Who knows, maybe that package of shrimp might be on its way out of the freezer sooner then I thought! By the way any frozen shrimp tips would be appreciated. 

Adaptability

 

“According to Darwin’s Origin of Species, it is not the most intellectual of the species that survives; it is not the strongest that survives; but the species that survives is the one that is able best to adapt and adjust to the changing environment in which it finds itself.”

Leon C. Megginson

There sure has been a lot of change for Chuck and I since 2017. We’ve moved three times, sold our east Texas farm, buried my father, lived through a pandemic, and are now settling into our new community closer to our daughter’s family. 

I think moving from Frisco, our home for twenty four years, and living in an apartment for a year was one of the best decisions we ever made. Living there was an opportunity to connect with so many different people each day. Since Las Colinas was so close to Frisco it was a way to gradually begin a new life without having to change everything at once.

Living in Euless for three years gave me a new perspective on the area, and challenged me to make new friends in my new community. It also cut Chuck’s commute time exponentially, and gave him back precious time that had been spent on the road. 

All of this has helped moving two hours away to De Leon be more of an adventure than a challenge. Being the stranger in the room has gotten much easier. Slowly but surely we are getting involved with different groups in our community, and are loving it. 

If given the opportunity to adapt or change your circumstances don’t automatically discount it. I highly recommend meeting new people and getting involved in new activities. What is that saying?

“Change is inevitable, growth is optional.”

John Maxwell

The Wedge

Yesterday while walking on the treadmill at the Wellness Center I listened to the podcast Do the Thing. Melissa Urban the host was interviewing Scott Carney, the author of The Wedge. 

Now I have not had an opportunity to research this further, but one thing Carney mentioned really hit home. He talked about the space between stimulus and response is the wedge. I’ve written recently about wanting to do a better job of not reacting so quickly. 

Carney recommends taking a breath or two before responding. I liked that idea.

 The next time I find myself getting reading to respond to I’m going to take a breath, and see where that gets me. That sounds like a good start to having more control how I respond to circumstances that I have no control over. 

Throwback Thursday- Be Content

Contentment is often times easier said than done. However, my experience has been that as I’ve grown older, and perhaps wiser, I find myself more and more content. 

When I was younger I was always looking for the next big thing. Ironically, at the stage I’m at now I’m usually looking for smaller and less. 

Once I worried about every little physical flaw, while today I realize that there are many facets of aging that I have very little control over. So instead of fretting over the visible signs of aging I do the best I can with what I’ve got, and leave it at that. 

When I think of a role model for contentment I always think about St. Paul who reminds us in

Philippians 4:11-13 

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

Response

 

The Stoics taught “You don’t control what happens, you control how you respond.”

This is easy to say, but not so easy for me to actually do. I am generally quick to respond, and not always in a good way. I wonder if our responses can become habitual, and run on a never ending loop? 

If we always respond to A by doing B then we will inevitably end up with the same result. 

What if we tried C or D instead of B. What if we intentionally chose how we wanted to respond? How different would our life be?

Significance

A few weeks ago we had a guest preacher at our church named Dr. Joel Gregory. 

During his sermon he said, “The urgent is rarely the significant.”

As he shared the parable of the fig tree, he pointed out that the bearing of fruit in your life is what is significant. In the parable the fig tree did not bear fruit, and was ordered to be cut down. The vinedresser asked for one more year to allow the tree to bear fruit. 

How often in our life are we so busy rushing from one thing to the next, that we don’t really focus on what’s most important? 

Sometimes we think that if we are focusing on the urgent then we are doing something important. Often times we are conforming to the world’s standards which can leave us feeling empty in the end. Take a moment to reevaluate urgency vs significance in your own life. 

Dr. Gregory concluded his sermon by reminding us that if we abide in Jesus we will bear significant fruit, and be a blessing to others. 

Throwback Thursday- Gather

I’m reading an intriguing little book (my favorite kind) about creativity entitled, Your Idea Starts Here, by Carolyn Eckert. As you probably know I'm pretty much obsessed with creativity. I've written about it often, and am always on the look out for inspiration.

She begins her book writing about how to generate ideas. Her first step is to "Gather- Accumulate things you like that might or might not work...don't think, just collect. You're gathering inspiration."

As I thought about this I realized that my conscious effort to bring fewer actual things into my home, might be curtailing my creativity. I often find myself collecting ideas, but I'm not always good about recording them. 

Elizabeth Gilbert in her book, Big Magic, writes about how ideas are sent our way, and if ignored are sent packing to someone else who's more willing to pay attention. By honoring these ideas there is a greater chance of them coming to fruition.

Creativity flourishes when you observe your surroundings. I'm going to be more aware of anything that catches my eye. At the time I may not know exactly why, but I want to trust my inner leanings as to why I find it interesting. 

If I still want to live a less cluttered life I can always snap a picture of it, and collect these objects using a collage format on my phone. I like the idea, "don't think, just collect." Who knows where this might take you?

Mind Reader

 

Are you a mind reader? 

Now I’m not talking about some woman in a turban waving her hands over a crystal ball. Rather being a mind reader is according to Erick Cloward of the podcast Stoic Coffee Break :

“…when we think we know what other people are thinking. We make assumptions of their opinion of us, or what their motivations or intents are without any evidence.”

Sadly, I’m guilty of this when I react or dare I say over react to my perceived mind reading. Instead of taking a breath, and giving myself a moment to process the information fully, I am quick to respond, often negatively. This doesn’t always work out too well.

Why I think I have some superpower to be able to read minds is beyond me. I realize that I should not be so quick to assume I know the motives of others, when in reality I probably don’t. 

What I’m hoping to glean from this knowledge is that I can make a situation worse when I assume I know the heart of another. I want to keep in mind what 1 Corinthians says about how we are to treat others: 

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.”

Programmed

 

How much thought have you given to what you believe, and why you believe what you do?

Recently I listened to a talk by Father Anthony de Mello about how a program runs in our heads like a computer-“a set of demands about how the world should be, how you should be, and what you should want.”

This programming comes from your parents, your society, your culture, your religion, and your past experiences. It never really was you that determined your wants, your desires, values or attitudes. 

This programming seems to be in control when it comes to how you interact with people or experiences. It insists that its demands are met, and when they aren’t it generates negative emotions that cause you unhappiness. 

“When other people don’t live up to your computer’s expectations it torments you with frustration or anger or bitterness.”

When things are beyond your control, which they often times are, your computer insists that you react negatively. Every now and then things fall perfectly in line, and you have a fleeting moment of peace, until you don’t. 

This becomes a vicious cycle because your computer demands to be in charge, and will insist that being upset is the proper response. You live at the mercy of whether others conform to the programming of your computer. 

How others act is completely out of your control, and what might bother you may not bother someone else. The reality is that the other person is not causing the negative emotions. They are just being themselves, good or bad. Once again your programming has kicked in, and controlling your reactions. 

It would be better to realize that someone with different programming might be perceiving the situation completely differently. This truth needs to grasped before you can let go of your computer “stubbornly insisting that reality be reshaped to confirm to its programming. 

Start observing this as an outsider, and begin to see how you react differently. The action you choose to take after that is completely up to you. 

What I found especially fascinating about this idea, was the programming in my life. I want to reflect on the expectations that I unfairly have clung to over the years based on prior beliefs.

 

Are these the truths that I believe now, or do I need to reassess why I react the way I do? 

I can’t help but think that in doing so I will respond in a more peaceful manner, understanding how my computer has run the show over the years. It’s time for a little reprogramming directed by me. 

Opinion or Not?

Stoic and Roman Emperor, Marcus Aurelius is credited with the following:

“You always own the option of having no opinion.”

Ironically, I’m asking your opinion about not having an opinion. 

With the onset of social media we have opened Pandora’s box when it comes to opinions. Where before we might have kept our opinions to ourselves, today it is so easy to express them to the whole world. 

I’m not so sure having the actual opinion is the problem. We may have little control over that. However, how and when to express that opinion might be the bigger concern. Sometimes our opinion needs to be expressed. 

That being said, it’s kind of like picking your battles. Getting too caught up in reacting to everything that comes across your social media feed can become all encompassing, let alone exhausting. 

I’ve had to limit what I follow on Facebook in order not not let it get out of hand. Sadly, I’ve gotten caught up with political rhetoric, ending up with burned bridges. I’m not proud of that. 

I’m going to reserve the right to not feel the need to always express my opinion. 

What do you think?

Signs of Spring

 

Look what I saw when I pulled up to my daughter’s house today. This little daffodil thought that early February was the perfect time to bloom.

 

I couldn’t help but smile. Daffodils always remind me of my mother who left this world too soon over forty years ago. She had planted daffodils, and they continued to bloom each year after her passing. 

“Daffodils,

That come before the swallow dares,

and take

The winds of March with beauty.”

William Shakespeare

Throwback Thursday-Rehearsing Trouble

 

Sarah Young the author of the popular devotional Jesus Calling, writes "Rehearsing your troubles results in experiencing them many times, whereas you are meant to go through them only when they actually occur." 

If you are like me and have a tendency to overthink and worry about the details of life, this rehearsing of trouble can only add to your stress and anxiety. My overly active imagination conveniently always goes to the worst case scenario. This especially rings true when I find myself with a long list of things that need to be done. 

I had never really thought about this practice until Young brought it to my attention. It's not something that I want to hold on to. I have found, though, that it can be helpful to remind yourself to stop as soon as you begin to go into rehearsal mode. 

Young also reminds us to place our trust in God allowing Him to have the real control over our lives. 

Friends

 

I think I was a Brownie when I learned this song:

“Make new friends, but keep the old.

One is silver and the other gold.”

I feel very fortunate to be making new friends in my new community.

I feel very fortunate to still have friends that I have known from my childhood, teenaged years, college days, and from my teaching days. 

Recently, I got together with a dear group of friends, and on the way home I couldn’t help but be reminded of the song I’d learned in childhood, and how it really rang true. 

“True friends are never apart, maybe in distance but never in heart.”

Helen Keller

Garden Prep

 

Last year Chuck and I attempted a container garden. I started seeds inside so we would be ready to go. However, when the time came to plant everything those plants that I planted straight from a seed did much better. 

We didn’t have much luck with an actual harvest. Our plants grew, but they were not very fruitful. We had planted them too close, and had filled up the bottom of our containers with too much filler instead of dirt. 

This year we are going a different route. Our neighbors have an in ground garden, and last year they shared quite a bit of their bounty with us. We are building our garden pretty close to theirs, but ours will be a lot smaller. 

I’m sure we will grow tomatoes, but we haven’t quite decided on what other vegetables or fruit we will grow. I’d like to try cantaloupe again, and hopefully we can get some larger than a tennis ball. 

I’m thinking zucchini, some jalapeños, and a small amount of okra. Last year we fermented some that we received from our neighbor, and it was really good. 

I’ll take any ideas, and tips that you seasoned gardeners have since Chuck and I are newbies at this. 

Reframing Once Again

 

Well apparently I’ve written about reframing four times before over the last eight years. I was looking over my blog as I reached the eighth anniversary of its founding, and I found this topic to be relevant more than once. 

The other day I was reading a transcript from a podcast called The Stoic Coffee Break about reframing. (Episode 241) Included in the podcast was the idea of cognitive distortions that get in the way of our thinking resulting in irrational thoughts. 

One of these was All or Nothing Thinking . I remember one time sending an email to one of my favorite authors,  Gretchen Rubin, about her teaching on accepting your own nature. I was quite proud of myself for embracing this mindset, and was quite surprised by her response. 

Rubin wrote  back, “Accept yourself, and expect more from yourself.”

She was right. It might be easy to blow off some part of your personality as just who you are, but if it effects others in a negative way then it’s time to expect more of yourself. 

I like the way Rubin used the word “and.” By using “and” she took two opposing ideas, and reframed them as both having importance. In other words you don’t have to look at everything as just one way or the other. 

As Erick Cloward, the creator of the podcast says, “Sometimes both options can be true.”

As I reread each of my prior reframing posts they all had a little different emphasis. However, this was a new way of looking at how reframing can be a useful tool in personal development. 

Have you ever been guilty of all or nothing thinking?

Throwback Thursday-Point of View

 

Sometimes point of view is everything. I remember when I made the decision to retire, I did so with some reservations. After all I had taught for thirty-one years, and it was a huge part of my identity.

I worried about what I would do next in life?  I wondered if my pension would be enough? I was apprehensive about leaving my comfort zone. 

Each day when I left my neighborhood I had to take a right  turn onto the road with a somewhat limited view. You couldn't quite see around the bend. However, each time I returned from the opposite direction I had a clear view of the turn. 

One day it hit me like a ton of bricks. It was the same road! 

The only difference was the point of view. 

As I was approaching this new phase of my life, it became clear to me that I could not allow the unseen part of the road to hold me back. I had to trust that the view from the other side was wide open. 

It's been six years (actually it’s been almost fourteen) now, and although there are times I really miss being in the classroom, I'm glad I didn't let the bend in the road hold me back.

Progressive’s Update

Well it’s been over a week since I got my new progressive glasses so I thought I’d give you an update. 

I have adjusted to them remarkably well. There have been no headaches, or difficulty learning to use them. The first day or two I did have to search for the close up part of the lens , but I was quickly able to figure that out.

The one problem I did have the first week was that they were sliding down my nose, and I was constantly pushing them up. I ended up going by the office and having them adjusted to sit higher up on my face. 

The thing I’ve liked the most about them is the clarity of the far away distance. I don’t think I realized how blurry things were. Walking through Walmart is a breeze now. 

The only bad thing is that they are a little tight, and rub my ears. I’m not sure if you just get used to that or if they need to be adjusted again? I have liked not having to continually push them back up my nose. 

Any thoughts?