Separate Realities

 Recently I finished reading a book by Richard Carlson entitled You Can Be Happy No Matter What. Now I did not choose this book off of the library shelf because I was so unhappy. Rather it was a short, little book that I thought I could read quickly, and perhaps glean a new blog post from. Little did I realize that the principles taught in the book had the potential to be life changing. 

One thing in particular really helped me to make better sense of the world in which we live. For many years now I’ve been totally perplexed as to why different people can look at the world from such different points of view. Many a time I’ve walked away scratching my head, and sadly not even wanting to search for common ground. 

I really wasn’t proud of that, and after reading this book it enlightened me on how each one of us actually has are own separate reality. This can be evidenced when two eyewitnesses of the same accident report what they’ve seen as completely different. How could that be?

Well it turns out that these separate realities are due to different thought processes. These individual thought processes are based on core beliefs, past experiences, temperament, and childhood influences to name a few. Even in the same family no two people are exactly alike. 

I remember my parents commenting on how differently my youngest sister, who was fourteen years younger than me, had been raised compared to me. Being the first born, my parents were quite diligent about the rules, but fourteen years later they basically were just plain tired. All those little things that seemed so important with me suddenly didn’t seem quite so important any more. 

Knowing that each of us lives in our own separate reality made me think about a teaching tool I used often in the classroom called a Venn diagram. As I thought about my husband and I, although we had many common interests, and shared common core beliefs, the way we view the world is very different. Now I think about that small sliver of intersection when seeking to understand how differently we approach the world, and realize the other two circles are much larger. 

Now I understand why my attempts to convince others to join my side in online debates basically have fallen on deaf ears. Unless, someone is truly interested in understanding your point of view, chances are they will dig in their heels, and stick to their guns. 

I remember a line from the Prayer of St. Francis that really made sense after reading this book. “…Grant that I may not so much seek to be understood as to understand.”

I’ve actually found myself more peaceful in not having to defend or convince others to think just like me. See how the concept of separate realities might benefit you and your relationships with others.